Bipolar Disorder
I've been feeling a little down for the past few weeks. My
mental state has fluctuated between extremely low and very high levels. It's
not as if it is anything serious, or life-threatening in nature. Yet whenever
I'm feeling low my thoughts turn violent. People get angry at me. They yell at
me. Then they start yelling at me again. Then they're like, "You know
you're just making yourself look bad," before attacking me. And then I
have to deal with them again and another one as well. After all of this, I'm still
depressed. But here are some things I’m going through now so you can relate to
what I'm going through.
A month ago I was reading a lot about how crazy people suffer
from this disorder. I've been reading up a lot on the subject of being
diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Many talk about how we're all b*tches in this
world, but there are those who think that we're the only ones suffering. I know
that isn't true, but I feel like that might be the case. As for me? Well, I had
this experience while trying to talk to other people about this disorder, which
actually brought me shame and guilt because most of them could tell what was
going on inside of me. So yeah, I do know many people who have experienced
these kinds of experiences that also affect everyone else.
Personally, I find myself being bullied more often than others,
even though I don't usually let bullies see my illness. This makes me angry and
upset more frequently. Even when I am feeling good or happy I will always go
back and attack someone. To avoid getting hurt, again and again, I know that I
need to be careful of where I go in certain situations, so I try mostly to
stay with social and political groups. In fact, the best advice I have ever
received so far is to watch what I say or act at all times. If I come across
something awful I immediately try to diffuse it, even though I know it's the right
thing to do. However, since I've felt that way for a while now I’ve started
hearing different things. Some things are upsetting, while others make me angry
and upset. Regardless of the situation, I just remember to take a break and
calm down. Besides everything else this disorder has given me, it has taught me
that I also need to understand that sometimes nothing lasts or doesn't work
out. No one knows why things happen the way they do. Not even me. That's why
sometimes I can't feel everything I want to. I just have to live each day by
finding the positives that are all around and learning to put myself first.
The second reason why I've struggled with this disorder is I've
had suicidal tendencies. Now, this can be extremely scary and embarrassing for
other people. Yes, suicidal behaviour. There have been situations where I've
wanted to self-harm, or worse. But this isn't always the case. Sometimes I've
thought that my depression is causing it. One person always used to make fun of
my anxiety when he caught me doing something wrong at work. For the longest
time, this would scare him and maybe make me look weak, so I'd ignore everything
he said or did. It eventually made him realize that he was too afraid to stand
up to me because he knew that I was a victim who would respond by attacking
him. At first, I'd react in anger and disgust, and then after a while, he was like
a jerk, throwing his anger and anger at me once again. Eventually, he came
around and apologized. He told me that he felt ashamed for creating a
disturbance. Afterwards, I continued to speak with him and apologize because of
his actions. We talked about it together, and the conversation ended the way I
wanted it to end. That was last year. Until recently, I didn't talk to him
anymore. And honestly, I'm grateful that I haven't spoken to him at all.
Lastly, there were cases of abuse I endured from my family over the years that I didn't want to talk about in public. The same was true with my friends. I had a close relationship with both of them until it finally got hard. When we started fighting again, my family and I decided to separate. From the outside, this was pretty obvious. This is sad because our friendship continued. Our families separated. Those two families that had been so supportive of me went their separate ways. Again, not something I wanted to happen, but there were some instances where I wasn't alone at all. Because of the way family members acted and the way things were for me. I wish I knew why the relationships were broken. Maybe I'm always angry at them because they don't love me the same way I like them. Whatever the case is, I understand. Everyone has to process their own childhood and learn to move on. I have to do the same. It's easier said than done, but I try my hardest to do it.
